Suggested cures for morning sickness (Inspired by my pregnant and sick friend, Shannon)

You're going to hate me for this, but running really is a help for pregnancy sickness. It's the only reason I kept running during the first part of pregnancy. I was so tired that I had NO desire to do it, but the days I ran, I had a good day with little nausea, but the days I didn't, I was usually sick as a dog. I ran a lot, if only to keep from throwing up. I do have to say that the bigger you get, the more ridicules you look. It's one of the reasons that women should be married before getting pregnant- at least they are legally bound to you no matter how stupid you look as you run while trying to hold up your beer gut looking belly. Trying to stand up from a low couch or chair is another good reason for being married first. There is no possible way to attract a man when your legs are spread apart like a sumo wrestler while you're trying to weeble wobble your way to your feet. Come to think of it, running is quite possible one of the stupidest things you can do while pregnant. Women are constantly misjudging their fetal girth and when you add in the complication of propelling yourself at dangerous speeds, one can imagine the damaging consequences both to the woman and anything she comes in contact with. I actually knocked a small child off of their chair and straight onto the floor once by not acknowledging how huge my belly had become. Let this serve as a warning to all women contemplating having children.

The Bump-it

Apparently, I have a style that is not quite enjoyed by everyone because I get comments like, “this totally looks like you” from friends that would never purchase the item mentioned for themselves. I have just come to accept this flaw in my friends and realized that not everyone has a style as “unique” as my own. I was feeling completely at peace with this fact until a 5 year old boy from our neighborhood completely shattered my view of reality. I’ll have to start at the beginning. A couple of weeks ago I spent a wonderful weekend with girlfriends from growing up, “the G’s”. We were shopping, as we usually do, when I came across the most brilliant piece of fashion ingenuity that I have ever seen, “The Bump-it”! Talk about totally changing my world! I have always known that I should have been born in the 60’s, but now I can actually look like it too! With this phenomenal invention I can not only give my hair a totally unnatural, alien-like lift, I can make it look effortless. Evidently, there is a completely obnoxious yet catchy commercial that can be seen from 3 to 4:30 AM daily on various cable channels. Unfortunately, we’re too cheap to pay for cable, otherwise I would have been “bumping it” long ago. I have been so proud of my new found hair possibilities that I really have a hard time deciding if I am going to “baby bump-it”, “medium bump-it”, “big bump-it”, or the super brave “double bump”. A whole new world has been opened up to me now! One day last week I was feeling a bit more natural and earthy so I decided to “baby bump-it”. As promised by the instruction guide, I had totally forgotten that it was in when I went outside with my kids to play. As my girls were playing with the before mentioned 5 year old, he suddenly stopped in the middle of play, pointed to my head with the most surprised look and said, “are you wearing a bump-it”? Excuse me, what did he just say? After quickly checking to see if I had correctly applied and “sprayed immediately with hair spray” so as to not fall out, I asked him again what he said. “Are you wearing a bump-it?” “Why, yes, I am” you brilliantly fashion forward child. “Can I touch it,” he then asked. Starting to question why a 5 year and I share the same love for lift, I reluctantly let him. After making sure I had not tricked him with a fake, he proceeded to cock his hip at an angle that should be completely unnatural to anyone with testosterone, placing one hand on that hip and pointing the finger of his other hand strait out he began to sing what I can only imagine is “The Bump-it song”. And with attitude, I might add. My emotions went from pride to horror in 2.2 seconds. It was at that moment that I realized this fine piece of machinery I had purchased was not the fashion icon I had thought it was, but in reality is “hot” among 5 year old boys. Not exactly the crowd I was hoping for. I feel so conflicted. I love my bump-it, but so does my neighbor boy. This is the same neighbor boy who loves to play princess dress up with my 4 year old daughter and his 3 year old sister. He prances around my house in pink princess dresses saying, “don’t I look beautiful”, and “we’re on our way to the ball”. This is a phase that most all boys with sisters around the same age go through and his mother is a hair dresser, so maybe it’s not as bad as it seems to have the same taste in hair. Who am I kidding, this is totally unnatural and I should promptly pitch my new found treasure in the trash……. I’m not going to of course, but I should. At least I’ll be hot among the 4 foot and under category!

A left over Christmas story

This year we decided to cut down a tree from the back yard for our Christmas tree. There is a beautiful tree that is cutting off our view down to the woods in the back. The tree started out pretty small when we moved in, but apparently, living things tend to grow. It was really nice to just send Curtis out to the back yard to cut the tree down. After having to take part of the door off the glass doors in back, we pulled really, really hard and finally got the tree in--- well, almost. Curtis got the tree all the way to fireplace on the other end of the living room when I noticed some of the tree was still outside. Okay, so the tree is a little big. We've had big trees before so I'm not worried about having enough ornaments. It was all we could do to get the tree in the stand and upright in the air. Curtis got it screwed in while I was somewhere inside the tree holding it straight. (Much easier to do it while not 8 months pregnant this time ) We were finally able to take a step back, actually several steps back in order to get out of the tree, and finally see how tall it really was. Speechless was not a term I envisioned using with my Christmas tree. Tall is an understatement. Do you know how tall my ceilings are? There over 19 feet tall.....and so is our tree!!!!!!!!!!!! An inch and a half is all we have to spare. After having several heart attacks and wondering what in the world we were thinking, we finally got the tree moved into place. Oh my word.......what?.....how?....why?.......augh. So Curtis and CJ go outside to do some end of the year yard clean up and the girls where napping while I got out the lights. I had bought about 5 new strands of lights because I was having problems with a few of them last year. Okay, so I'll be using all of the lights this year. The tree is beautifully positioned in front of the glass doors, and at least half of the rest of the room. I was standing at the fireplace on the other end trying get all of those new lights out and ready when I heard a strange noise..... okay, well a lot of things are already plugged in and one of them is catching on something..... there it is again.....what?...... So I turned around just in time to see a 19 foot Christmas tree coming straight at me!!!!!!!!!!! That's right, the tree fell on me! What does one do to catch a tree more than three times your size?...nothing. You watch in horror and think of all the great years you got to have. And then you realize that the only good thing about a 19 foot tree falling on you is that it's so big around the bottom that the top doesn't fall all the way to the floor, especially when a fireplace is in the way. My biggest fear (literally) has come true, and it wasn't as bad as I thought. Curtis went out and got 8 huge bolts to put in our unusually large base and screwed them deep into the tree to hold it up. Being incredibly certain that it wouldn't happen again, he tethered it to the wall!!!!!!!!!!!!! How many times have I dreamed of a Christmas tree tied to my wall :) Now that my biggest dream has come true, Christmas will be wonderful!!!!!

Just to put things into perspective. Our Christmas card is all of us on top of one of those super tall "little giant" ladders in front of the tree. You will have no idea from the picture that we are already over 10 feet off of the ground. Merry Christmas!

Boston and Baseball

So Curtis and I decided to go to Boston for our anniversary this year. It was BEAUTIFUL and so much fun. In one day I took a trolley, a train, a boat and a horse drawn carriage (with Starbucks :) ) The only problem was when we were at a Red Socks game (no I didn't actually watch the game, I took a book) and my mom called to tell me that my 2 year old, Ashley's ear had partially detached from her head. Yup, you read it right. How did it happen you might ask? Well, I asked the same thing too, while having my second heart attack. By the way, have you all ever seen Fever Pitch? Well, let’s just say the movie is true. Fans are REALLY into the game and do not take well to people who come to read their favorite novel instead of taking part in the 100 rituals that everyone in the park seems to know (including my husband). Well, they get even more testy when you pull out your cell phone and call every nurse and doctor friend you know in order to figure out what would be the best place to send your child with a partially detached ear to in order to get it reattached at 6:30 in the evening. My mom was totally freaking out and asked what she should do about it. Let me think..... TAKE HER TO THE DOCTOR!!!!!!! BTW, mom has no idea how it happened. She just noticed some blood on the back of her ear and pulled up on it to see what happened........ Okay, I'm okay, I have no idea what is going on, but I'm okay, these stupid Red Socks fans are being really loud and wanting me to pass hot dogs, pretzels and money back and forth and someone just dropped relish on my book, but I'm okay. Well, I called mom back when I figured out if she should go to convenient care or just strait to the emergency room while she was driving out in that direction. She said, "Lydia (the girl we hired to help mom in the evenings) just looked at Ashley's ear and it's not detached after all, but I'll have the doctor let you know after we get her there." wha...? Okay, wait a minute, you're telling me it's just a bug bite that she scratched at till it bled some?!? Okay mom, I think we can just skip the doctor visit (thank the Lord for Lydia). "Were are the hot dogs and someone teach me that stupid song you all are singing"!!!!!!

Confessions

Okay girls, if you know me at all, you already know that I am completely technology illiterate. I have never texted- yes, you read that right. It seems that inbetween feeding my three kids, which seems to occupy most of my day, changing diappers, which I should do more of so that my daughter doesn't have to bring me her own diapper and wipes and tell me she's poopie, and doing an untold number of loads of laundry, because the daughter who has pooped and brought me her own diapper has also decided to try and change it herself but found that fingerpainting in it was much more fun, (that of course explains why the previously clean clothes in the dresser were needed to try and clean the mess up) I have forgotten to learn an entirely new piece of technology. My friends have tried to explain to me how useful and time saving it can be. For instance, I can now text my 2 year old in the other room and tell her that daddy doesn't appreciate her using his deodorant all over her face because the peanut butter and jelly tends to stick in his armpit hair. I could also text my 4 year old to inform her that the tantrum she has been trowing for the last 30 minutes because I unbuckled her while standing on the "wrong side of the van" has expired. I would also throw in the fact that standing with her nose in the corner is not going to suffocate her (why do I teach her big words) and I understand that it's boring. Why she thinks this is news to me is apparently beyond my comprehension, after all, I spend most of my time wiping pooie off of things. After saving myself so much time with my younger two, I would then send my 6 year old son a quick text about cheese puffs not being one of the recognized food groups and an entire meal of them does not constitute enough for a treat.

I have decided to jump on the technology band wagon and get my husband to show me how to do this "text" thing. Um, I guess it's going to have to wait a minute, it seems that my husband needs me to help him hang some drywall. Can I text my neighbor to come over and help???